My Point...And I Do Have One by Ellen Degeneres

Author:Ellen Degeneres [Ellen Degeneres]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction, General, Women, Humor, Form, Personal Memoirs, Biography & Autobiography, Essays, American Wit and Humor
ISBN: 9780553573619
Google: j2pRLvtvxWAC
Amazon: 0553384228
Publisher: Bantam
Published: 1995-01-02T00:00:00+00:00

~O~

the time ellen degeneres had an emergency!

Once I had to be taken to the emergency room of a hospital. It was an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Actually I don't have a worst enemy or even a best enemy. I've never taken the time to rank my enemies. I'm afraid of hurting somebody's feelings. "Hey, I thought I was your worst enemy," one of my lesser enemies might complain. I sort of wish I did have a worst enemy, though. Because, come to think of it, having them go to the emergency room is exactly the sort of thing that I would wish on them. I mean, what's the point of having a worst enemy if you can't take enjoyment from seeing them suffering and in pain? It would be kind of fun. As it was, it was me suffering and in pain.

I got hurt in a real stupid way. Before they tape my sitcom, I go out and warm up the audience a little bit. Usually I tell jokes, but sometimes I perform feats of strength. You know, like pulling a jeep across the stage using my teeth. Well, this time I had people come up from the audience,—I would tense my stomach muscles and they'd punch me as hard as they could. Everything was going fine until I relaxed for just one second. Out of nowhere this huge teamster ran over from the donut table and socked me in the gut. It was either a teamster or Dom DeLuise dressed up like a teamster.

That's not really what happened. I just don't care to tell you why I really went to the emergency room. Okay, I had a cyst. See, it's not quite as interesting as getting socked in the gut by Dom DeLuise. But still, it did hurt like hell.

I was in bed doubled over in pain. It really confused my dogs. That's not saying much, though. It doesn't take a lot to confuse my dogs. Ringing the doorbell does the trick.

My manager, a man who told me that it was in my best interest that I don't know his name, so I refer to him always as "my manager," drove me to the hospital. I would have taken an ambulance, but when I called on the phone they told me that you had to book one two weeks in advance. It's just as well. I never know how much to tip the drivers of those things anyway.

We picked up my mother on the way. She wanted to come because that way we could ride in the car pool lane. Also, she works as a speech pathologist at the hospital I was going to. She figured since she was an employee she could make things easier for me. You know, like getting me a good table and giving me the skinny on how things work there. "You see that man in the white coat with a stethoscope? He's a doctor." (Thanks, Mom.) "If you were to speak to him you would call him Dr.

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